Alan's super awesome advice column!

Advice from a good guy who has totally never been to jail ever.

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flapjacksblog asked: Hey there! I am Flapjack from The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack. Have you ever watched my show?

Your other blog just asked me that!

Seriously, what the fuck?

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flapjacksblog2 asked: Hey there! I am Flapjack from The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack. Have you ever watched my show?

No?

What the fuck is going on here?

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flapjack-theking asked: What is your favorite cartoon character?

That’s not a question for advice, you big dummy! 

I think it would have to be Bugs Bunny. Call it cliché, but when I was a kid I would do nothing but watch the Bugs Bunny cartoons from the 30s and 40s. That shit is mad awesome, yo.

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apophatic asked: Hi Alan!
I have to leave town for reasons I'm not at liberty to discuss, but I'm not sure where to go! Do you have any suggestions?

Nope! 

Just don’t go to Hamilton, Ontario. That place is a dump. Ugh, what a terrible place!

Hope this helps!

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Anonymous asked: i'm moving out of my apartment in a few days. should i rent another apartment or become a hobo like boxcar willie?

Legacy: The overpass at Interstate 35E and Farm to Market Road 664 in Red Oak, Texas (also known as Ovilla Road, approximately four miles east of Ovilla) was renamed Boxcar Willie Memorial Overpass after a major reconstruction project.

As someone who has moved into a new apartment recently, as well as someone who has been a hobo, let me tell you that becoming a hobo is a far better option. 

I mean, this could be the mushrooms I found in the woods talking, but why be entrapped by four walls, man? Why be trapped by a roof or a floor? Why be trapped by a town of tiny leprechauns, linked arm-to-arm, staring at you with an odd look of happiness and pure rage. Why take these leprechauns to the pier and rent them a paddle boat?

Actually, I think it is the mushrooms talking. What was your question, again? 

Hope this helps!

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Anonymous asked: so i met this guy. been a couple of days.....and i think we can have a little something....should i add him first(facebook)? or let him make the move and add me first??

I think you should just forget about this idiot because he’s a jerk that will leave you broken hearted.

Hi there! I’m a super cool guy who you can trust alone with your purse without worrying about me going through it and going, “What is this?” every time I come across a tampon. Call me or just leave your door unlocked and I’ll come by. You don’t even have to be home!

Hope this helps!

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Anonymous asked: So my friend and I just realized that our friend, who has always had unusually strange and terrible posture, may have a minor hunchback disease. HOW DO WE TELL HER?

Rent The Hunchback of Notre Dame and watch it with her. Make sure she is really taking in the underlying message. Towards the end some really disturbing crime scene photos that you somehow previously edited into the movie will appear and horrify her.

This is when you break the news to her that she is grotesque. Comfort her by pointing out that at least she’s not as grotesque as all those pictures of crime scenes she just saw.

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Anonymous asked: if an otter was a person would it be smarter than me?

Unfortunately, yes. It would be.

Hope that helps!

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Wow, I completely forgot to check up on this site. I am so sorry (I’m not) and promise to answer all the questions I have over the course of the week (I won’t). 

Love (but not really), 

Alan xoxo

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alanharris asked: Hi there Alan!
I have a question for you to answer:
Why do you suck so hard?
Love,
Alan

Shut up you big idiot! You’re not adding to the civil national discourse with that sort of talk so why don’t you just go back to sitting in the dark and flicking the Zippo you found on the bus? 

Loser!